Faith

Ok, so before I start I have to say that I am going to try and make this post make sense. I am sure it will come out as a big garbled mess. I think it's hard when you are trying to explain feelings. But, I am going to do my best.

A few years ago, heck, a month ago, I would have told you I was a believer, a woman that had a strong faith. I would tell you that I believe in the power of prayer, that God is in control, that I have faith. Yes sir I do!

And when Reid was born, my faith never wavered. I remember thinking that the only thing that was going to save him was prayer. And boy that prayer chain moved speedy quick! When he was still alive 24 hours later I knew he was going to make it, we just weren't sure what the damage was going to be. And then he had is repeat MRI and EEG (If you remember, in the very first post I made on his Carepage, I said "Reid's EEG showed very little brain activity" and "He certainly has brain damage but the extent is unclear and it does not look good.") and they both came back normal. It was then that I knew he was going to be perfectly fine. He wasn't going to have any side effects, no delays, no handicaps, nothing. I think I started saying that almost from the very beginning. I knew it, I had faith.

But now I am being tested again, and I am failing. Every time I found a surrogate, and then it fell through, I crumbled and I doubted. Then I didn't respond to the medicine, and I crumbled and I doubted. Then I was told I only had 3 mature follicles, and I crumbled and I doubted. Things were not going right for me and I thought he wasn't listening or didn't care, or was punishing me. I was too consumed with myself that I couldn't or didn't listen to what He was telling me. He was telling me to stop worrying, that he had a plan for me, that it was all going to work out. Why couldn't I listen?!?!? It was only when things started going well that I could finally hear Him. But why did it take me so long?

I do realize that this may not end the way I want it too, but it will end the way it is supposed to. I just hope my faith remains strong. That I know longer doubt.

As I was driving to work on Friday it all hit me and I got overwhelmed by the amount of His love for me. I don't understand it, I don't get it. Why me? What have I done? I don't deserve it. I doubted, and yet He continued to love me.

2 years ago, when I was in surgery for hours with a doctor trying to save my life, He was there with me. When Reid was in the NICU fighting for his life, He was right there with him, cradling him in His arms. When I went back for my retrieval, he was right there with me, telling me He had everything under control. As I was sitting on my couch, literally sick to my stomach as I waited to hear if any eggs fertilized, He was sitting right next to me, whispering in my ear that it was going to be ok. As my little embies have been sitting in their fancy petri dish, he has been sitting with them. And I know he will be with us tomorrow as we have our transfer, again telling us He has it all taken care of. Its pretty freaking amazing if you think about it. What an amazing love! For someone so small and insignificant as me. WOW!

I want to leave you with 2 songs that have really resonated with me lately. I actually have several I want to share, but I am going to start with these 2 for now.

First, the song Strong Enough by Matthew West (Love me some MW!)  I may not be strong enough to endure everything alone, but with Him, I am!



You must, You must think I’m strong
To give me what I’m going through
Well forgive me, forgive me if I’m wrong
But this looks like more than I can do
On my own

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

Well maybe, maybe that’s the point
To reach the point of giving up
‘Cause when I’m finally, finally at rock bottom
Well that’s when I start looking up
And reaching out

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

‘Cause I’m broken
Down to nothing
But I’m still holding on to the one thing
You are God
And You are strong when I am weak
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be strong enough
I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength
And I don’t have to be
Strong enough, strong enough
Oh yeah

I know I’m not strong enough to be
Everything that I’m supposed to be
I give up, I’m not strong enough
Hands of mercy won’t You cover me?
Lord, right now I’m asking You to be
Strong enough, strong enough
For the both of us

And my favorite song of the moment, Greatly to Be Praised by Fee. I needed to be reminded of this; no matter what is happening in you life, good or bad, He should be praised.



Lift your eyes, lift your eyes to the One
Who’s reigning over us, for He has overcome
Fill the skies, fill the skies with a song
As heaven sings along, to glorify the Son

Who is like You, none compare
There’s no one like our God

Great and greatly to be praised
Name above all other names
Powerful and strong to save
Hallelujah, our God reigns
Our God reigns

Glory in the highest place
King of mercy, God of grace
Together let the earth proclaim
Hallelujah, our God reigns
Our God reigns

Tell the world, tell the world of the love
He’s lavished over us, His daughters and His sons
Made alive, made alive, now we’re free
Rescued and redeemed, the victory is won

We lift our eyes up, behold the Son
Lift our voices, and sing as one
Hallelujah, our God reigns