Sunday, August 21, 2011

And the Roller Coaster Continues

I woke up this morning feeling very positive and upbeat. I wasn't worried at all about today's appointment, I figured it was going to be pretty routine. Boy was I wrong! My appointment started out great. I went in and had more blood taken, and then the ultrasound. As soon as she started the u/s she immediately exclaimed "look how much bigger they have gotten." Music to my ears! When she was finished she said that based on my ultrasound she figured Dr. C would have me take my trigger shot either tonight or tomorrow night, and that they would call as soon as they had my blood results and Dr. C has seen the u/s pictures.

I left the doctor's office and decided I was going to take advantage of tax free weekend and stop and pick up a few extra school supplies for my classroom, then meet my parents for some lunch, before heading back to their house. (I stayed with my parents this weekend while D was in Oklahoma.) But, every single store I wanted to go to didn't open until 11, and it was only 10:30. So I just kind of drove aimlessly, trying to kill some time, and I ended up in front of The Children's Place at about 5 til. So I decided to start there as soon as the opened. My problem was, all the clothes are for fall and winter, and I just could not get into the cool weather mindset while it is 800 billion degrees outside. I think today was the first time I have ever walked out of The Children's Place without buying a single thing.

After that I went over to Staples, because they were finally open, and had my basket loaded up with lots of goodies and was standing in line to pay when my phone rings and its Dr. C. At first I froze and didn't want to answer, but I also didn't want to have to call back, so I suck it up and answer the phone. And lo and behold it is Dr. C himself, and not a nurse. He started with, "Well things are looking disappointing. You only have 7 follicles and only 2 of them look mature. There is one more that is close to mature, but I don't expect it to do anything." As soon as he said that, I couldn't get of the store fast enough. He then went on to say that with any other woman he would have canceled this cycle, but that he doesn't think I would do any better next time, that this is just the best my body is going to do. Basically he gave us the choice to continue and trigger tonight, retrieve on Tuesday, and hope for the best, or cancel and be done. So we have chosen to continue, because I am not ready to give up yet. It only hake one, and if he thinks there are 2, then I have more than I need. Right???? I keep telling myself that over and over, in hopes that I start to believe it, but it is hard to stay optimistic right now. I am feeling so defeated and like I am letting everyone down. A very dear friend of mine (that is also suffering from infertility) said to me "I never thought in a million years having a baby would be so hard." And my response is NO FREAKING KIDDING!  High school kids do it all the time. How come happily married, stable people have so much trouble. What am I doing wrong? Why doesn't my body want to work the way it is supposed to? Would I have had this much trouble getting pregnant with baby #2 if I still had my uterus and nothing had ever happened? I just don't understand. I am trying to have faith, but I am tired of being tested. Hasn't my family been tested enough? When do we get a break? I am just so tired.

It only takes one, it only takes one, it only take one. . .

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