Jealousy

Will there ever be a time that I am not crazy jealous of a pregnant woman, or a woman that as the ability to get pregnant, or give birth?

I am a teacher, so I work with mostly women. Women that get pregnant and have babies. It is so hard to smile, and be happy for them when I am crying inside. Don't get me wrong, I really am happy for them, but also sad/angry for myself. There were several pregnancies this past school year that I had to endure, two of which have already delivered. One of the two didn't bother me too much. She delivered in the spring, so she was out on maternity leave for a good chunk of the school year. So for her it was kind of like she was there one day, then gone the next. She has brought her daughter up to school to show her off (like every new mom should!) and as everyone else is stopping to "ooh" and "ahh" and hold and snuggle that sweet baby, I had to just run right by and go back to my room. I am sure it makes me look like some horrible kind of person, but it is either that or I stand there crying and jealous.

The other pregnancy was harder to endure. She was not due until the end of June, so I had to watch her growing stomach every day. Watch people come up to her and talk about her pregnancy, how shes feeling, asking to touch her belly, etc. We passed each other in the hall all the time. Her pregnancy (and my lack of) was in my face every single day. She had her baby almost 2 weeks ago, and emailed pictures to everyone. I was only able to quickly look before I deleted them. I am happy for her, and her baby is gorgeous, but , seeing that picture of her, holding her baby, in a hospital bed, with that post-delivery glow, (a picture I never got with the Nacho, and will definitely never get with any future children) I starting feeling the anger and jealousy well up in me.

I have a very close friend/coworker that is currently pregnant and due in January. I am worried about how I will handle it when school starts back up. I love S dearly, and I am so excited for her.  I hope I can keep my jealousy in check, and can just show her genuine enthuasim and excitement. But I also hope the she (and anyone else I know that ends up pregnant) understands when I seem less than enthused about something to do with their pregnancy/delivery/newborn.

I keep hoping that once my family is complete I will no longer care about the fact that I cannot ever be pregnant again, or that I will not be the person that labors and delivery my child. I will never be able to tell my child "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out of it!" Will all of that cease to matter when I am finally holding my baby in my arms? I hope so!