The babies are . . .

Because we are pregnant with identicals we have an ultrasound every 2 weeks in order to watch for TTTS. At our NT scan on the 10th the peri made a guess about gender. Then, at our next appointment on Tuesday the doctor confirmed the gender. In fact he said there is no question about it we are having identical twin . . .

BOYS!!!!!!!!!

I am so excited and couldn't be happier. I'm a little nervous because I don't know how to be a boy mom, but I'll figure it out. I am just so excited because after the Nacho I thought I would never have another child and now I am going to have "one" of each! My cup runneth over.

Common Questions

The first thing people usually ask after they find out we are pregnant is “are you hoping for a girl or a boy?” (And, for those still confused, both babies will be the same gender. The term identical does not just refer to the face, but to everything.) My answer to the question is always an I truly, and honestly could not pick. Both genders have their own pros and cons.

Girl Pros:
I already have a girl. I know what it’s like to be a girl mom. Being a girl mom is awesome! I love the bows, and the tutus, and the frills, and the princess, and all that comes along with little girls. We also have a ton of girl stuff, so shopping/preparing would be a lot easier. And I could just picture my dream girl nursery - it would be beautiful. We also have girl names picked out and I love them so much. If these babies are not girls we will be getting 2 cats and naming then with our girl names. I also look at my sister and the relationship we have, and I want that for the Nacho. I want her to have a sister (well, sisters) to grow up with.
Girl Cons:
I worry that because the babies are identical twins, they will always have that extra “special” about them. I don’t want the Nacho to feel like she is not as special as her siblings. I feel like if the babies are boys, then she will be the only girl and will have her own “special” about her. I just don’t want her to feel like an outcast, and think it will be less if the babies are boys.

Boy Pros:
I already have a girl. I already know what it is like to be a girl mom. I already know what it looks like when we make a girl. What would it be like to have a boy? Plus, the girl I already have is pretty freaking awesome, there is no way any other girl could ever compete with that. Having a boy gives us “one” of each, what could be more perfect than that?
Boy Cons:
I know nothing about being a boy mom. And you can’t put a bow in a boys hair. And boy clothes are not nearly as cute as girl clothes – everything is covered in trains, sports, and puppies. I don’t have the best impression of a brother/sister relationship (sorry J, but you know its true.) I want the Nacho to have siblings that she is close to, that she can count on, that will be her partner(s) in crime for the rest of her life. Will she get that with brothers?
So either way I win. I just couldn’t choose, which is why I am glad its not up to me. God knows what he is doing, and He knows what’s best for me and my family, and I trust Him. I know whatever they are, its going to be AWESOME!

The second most frequently asked question I get is “how do you feel/does it bother you/what’s it like/etc?” And that’s a tricky question for me to answer, and I don’t know if it will make much sense, but I will try.
How do I feel about L being the one pregnant? I feel excited, happy, ecstatic, thrilled, grateful, and blessed. It does not bother me AT ALL that I am not the one that is pregnant with the twins. I don’t care how they get here, whether I carried them, L carried them, or the freaking stork dropped them at my doorstep. I just want my babies. What I care about is that we are having babies, and that everyone involved is happy and healthy. L was the person and was meant to do this job, she was the one that is supposed to be carrying these babies. We had a handful of other potential surrogates that fell through for one reason or another before we found L, and now I understand why. She was meant to do this and no one else.

I do still have a hard time accepting the fact that I will never be pregnant again. I loved being pregnant with the Nacho. Yes, I was uncomfortable and anxious to meet her near the end of the pregnancy, but I enjoyed being pregnant. It kills me to know that I will never be able to nurture another life, that I will never feel another baby move and kick inside me. I still get a little jealous to see a hugely pregnant woman. I know I have said it before, I just hope that once my family is complete that it no longer matters to me that I can’t get pregnant.

People also keep asking if I am going to stay home now, or if I will continue to work. Right now we are planning on me continuing to work. I think I am a better mom because I work. I know by the end of the summer I am dying to get back to work and get a break from the Nacho. I don’t think I am able to stimulate her as well as Primrose does. I can’t think up all the cute activities that day care does. Plus, she loves her friends and her teachers and going to school. She would miss it if we pulled her out. But if I stopped working, there is no way we could afford to keep her at Primrose. The plan is to have a nanny watch the twins and then have the Nacho at day care 3 days a week and at home with the nanny and twins 2 days a week. I am also going to apply and see if the Nacho gets accepted into the PPCD inclusion program with my district. If she does, then she will be in school 5 days a week and it is WAAAAAY more affordable than Primrose (about half the cost). So unless we just can’t find a nanny (live in or live out, doesn’t matter to us), I will continue to work. And if you know of anyone that would be a great nanny, send them my way.

10 Week Appointment

We had our first appointment with the OB after being released from the RE and we got another look at the babies. It was a great appointment! They actually look like babies now instead of blobs. And they look great; both are measuring 10 weeks 4 days with HRs of 174 and 179. One baby was waving and the other was just a dancing away. It was so cute! I could have sat there and watched all day long. The Nacho was always very calm in utero. She liked to stretch a lot but was not a mover and a shaker. So seeing the babies today wiggling away was awesome, I loved it! It seriously was the best day ever. Best! Day! Ever!

Daddy was not there, so I texted him the stats and a picture. I told him one was waving and one was dancing and he pointed out that one was him and the other was me, and it is so true! Dave is the waver of the family. He waves at EVERYTHING, dogs, cats, babies, people, statues, the tv, I mean everything. I always make fun of him for it. And I am, of course, the dancer. I dance in the car, I dance when I am eating yummy food (The Nacho does this too!), I dance when I am happy, I am just a goofy dancer. So it is already pretty obvious these babies are ours!

We met the doctor and his staff and I really liked everyone. The best part of the day came when the nurse said L and I were a perfect match, that we compliment each other well. I took that as a huge compliment! I did talk to the doctor about our history of eventful labor and deliveries. I didn't express myself very well though, got a little tongue tied, but he got the gist of it. I just hope he took me seriously. At the next appointment I might ask him to call and chat with Dr. Jordan, so he can get the full (and clear) history from him. The nurse said since it is twins, they will be looking closely at the cords and placentas with each ultrasound, so that makes me feel better. I will definitely request a color doppler ultrasound when we see the perinatologist for our anatomy scan in a few weeks.

Everything with L looked good too. She has been having some migraines, but the doctor didn't seem concerned, so that helped me relax a little. She said she thought she might be feeling some movement, but wasn't sure since it is still so early. I can't wait until I can feel it from the outside.

Our next appointment is on the 10th for the NT scan. I am hoping we might get a guess at the gender, but I am not going to hold my breath. Its funny because with the Nacho we were Team Green, and I wanted to not find out this time around either, but since its twins it makes more sense to find out. So since I know we are finding out I am so stinking impatient about it. I want to know NOW! But I might find out and then keep it a secret from everyone. That would be fun!

Sick Little Nacho

So the Nacho has been feeling under the weather for the last 2 weeks. It started 2 Mondays ago during dinner. She just started melting down, wouldn't eat anything (not even ice cream) only wanted to sit in my lap with her head on my chest. She would grab her tummy and whine that it hurt. It was a rough night. She screamed all the way home, screamed all though her bath, and slept very restlessly. She hadn't pooped all day, so we figured she was just backed up. Woke up the next morning in a good mood. I have her some pepto and sent her to school.

On Wednesday my parents watched the Nacho for the night. When I talked to mom the next day she said the Nacho was a little cranky, a little touchy, but that they had a good night.

On Thursday I met my parents for dinner since Dave had a late meeting that night. We went to Bass Pro because its pretty fun, full of things to do and see. But as soon as we got there the Nacho was whining and crying. She didn't want to look the the fish, or the turtles. She didn't even have any kind of reaction when she saw Papa (HIGHLY unusual!) During dinner she hardly ate anything and was just a fussy mess. She climbed in my lap, put her head on my chest, and was pretty much dead weight for the rest of the night. When I put her in the car to go home, she cried for her blanket, so I put it in her lap, and it was covering her arms. She sat like that for the entire drive home. I got home, got her out of the car and into bed and she hardly moved a muscle. During dinner she had started feeling a little warm, so when I got home I took her temp and it was 101. She woke up a few times during the night, and I gave her Tylenol around midnight. Dave was planning on taking the morning off to stay home with her the next day, and Grammy was going to cover the afternoon shift.

Friday morning she woke up and was her usual happy self. We debated it and decided to send her to school. When I dropped her off I told them she had been acting funny the night before and to call me if they thought she wasn't feeling well. I was going to call during my lunch break to check on her, but decided no news was good news. When I got there to pick her up that afternoon I felt like the worst mom in the world. She was just leaning against the wall, limp as a rag doll, and started crying as soon as she saw me. I picked her up and she was burning up. I got her home, gave her some Tylenol, and she was immediately asleep. We alternated Tylenol and Motrin all night. She had her last dose of Tylenol at 7, and then never had any more for the rest of the day because her fever never came back.

And that's how the rest of the weekend and all of this week went. One Tuesday day care said she did not go potty all day, thankfully she made up for it when she got home. And other than that all week at day care, and at home, was full of potty accidents.

Beyond the sporadic fever she never had any physical signs of being sick, but she was just really touchy and whiny all the time. And if you know the Nacho, you know how out of character that is for her. Back BT (before tubes)when she was getting fever after fever after fever from all the ear infections, you could hardly tell she was sick, the fever was really the only sign. on Wednesday I had enough. Day care said she still wasn't acting like herself, so I made an appointment with Dr. Hubbard. I needed some peace of mind, because at this point my imagination is running wild (overreaction #1: lukemia, overreaction #2: we are the next episode of mystery diagnosis.)
On Wednesday she was really pouty and sad to be dropped at school. I asked Dave to call and check on her in an hour or so, thinking they would say she perked right up and was having a good day. But instead they said she was just not happy and very clingy. Grammy planned on taking off after lunch to go get her and take her home. But she called first, and by that point the Nacho "had eaten all of her snack and was excited to go outside to play." So we decided to keep her at school. When I got there to pick her up, she was clingy and whiny again, and felt warm. Got home and she had a temp of 100, and by the time I got her in bed it was up to 101.8. But Tylenol brought it down, and it never came back again.

On Thursday day care said she was almost her normal, happy go lucky self. But she was still extra touchy and wasn't as eager to participate. So I was thankful we had the appointment for the next day. We got home though, and she was her regular, normal, happy self.

Friday (appointment day) day care said the old Nacho was back. She had a great day, was in a great mood, our girl was back. But I decided to go ahead and go to her appointment. I wanted the doc to look at her ears and her throat, just to double check and make sure all was ok.

You know how your computer starts to act up, so you call the IT guy to come look at it, and when he gets there the computer is working perfectly? Yeah, that's what happened to us at the doctor's office.

The Nacho was ON! She was putting on a show and the audience loved it. She even pottied on command in a cup. Dr. Hubbard was so impressed! Her ears looked great (tubes have fallen out and the ear drums look good), throat looks great, didn't feel anything in her lymph nodes, urine was nice and clear, the child was perfect. Didn't act sick at all! So it was pretty much a silly and wasted appointment, but oh well. It was nice to go and have people fawn over your adorable child.

The Nacho has been herself all day today, and hopefully it continues. Dr. Hubbard said it was probably just a random virus that kept hanging on. If the fever comes back and lasts for a few days we are to go back in, but hopefully that won't happen. Hopefully the next time we see Dr. Hubbard is when we bring the new babies in for their first appointment!


(And no, I am not going back and rereading this to fix errors. Deal with it!)

2nd Ultrasound

By the time our appointment this afternoon rolled around I was a nervous wreck. I have chewed my nails down to nubs! I just don't handle nerves well. Thankfully my life is usually pretty vanilla.

When Ruth started the ultrasound today I immediately saw one sac and it looked bigger, but I didn't see anything in it. Luckily, before I had a chance to freak out she moved the probe a little and then I saw one baby and a pretty little heartbeat. Whew!!!! But then I start getting nervous and wanted to know what was going on the other 2. Ruth moves the probe again and we see the second baby in that sac, also with a nice, pretty heartbeat. Both babies were measuring the exact same at 8 weeks 1 day (which is spot on) and they both had a heart rate of 174 bpm.

Unfortunately, Charlie is gone. I guess you would say the sac was smaller, or maybe the same size as last week. But the other sac was pressing on it, so it looked more like a banana, instead of nice and round like it was supposed to. Ruth said the other sac will continue to press on it and flatten it out and it will pretty much just reabsorb.

Am I sad that we have lost Charlie? Yes. Am I devastated and heartbroken? No. I was expecting this. I knew there was a really, really good chance Charlie wasn't going to make it. I know this was the best thing, it was what needed to happen. I also know that one day, once I leave this earth, I will meet my Charlie. I will give him/her a big hug and then we will get to spend eternity together. So I have that to look forward to. Plus, Baby A and Baby B now have their very own guardian angel.

Speaking of Baby A and Baby B, here they are.

A


B

Emotions

I keep thinking back on everything that happened last Tuesday and I really wish I could convey all my emotions into a blog post. I have tried several times, and deleted them all, because they just didn't do it justice. What I really wish I could do it take that day, and capture it in a bottle. Yes, the day had its share of downs, but it also had a lot of ups, and I left that appointment on cloud nine. I keep thinking back on it and still feel that same high. I am sure it will wear off at some point though, and I don't want it too. Its not every day that you find out your IVF worked, and that you are expecting identical twins and possibly even triplets. IDENTICAL FREAKING TWINS!!!! That phrase has been running through my head on repeat pretty much non stop since that appointment. I will frequently pull out the ultrasound picture and just stare at it in disbelief.

Speaking of triplets, when we first found out there were 2 sacs and 3 babies my first emotion was relief when Dr. C said he didn't see a heartbeat in Baby C(who, BTW, I have names Charlie.)At the time I was a little overwhelmed with the thought of twins. (mostly surviving a twin pregnancy and then the financial aspect of 2 more babies.) The thought of triplets scared the snot out of me. At first I said I was just going to leave it in God's hands, since he knows what's best. But I have found myself over the last few days starting to pray for Charlie. It just slips in there without me even thinking about it. The thought of surviving a triplet pregnancy still scares the snot out of me. Plus, that is a LOT to ask of L and her body, I'm pretty sure that is not what she bargained for when she agreed to do this. But yet I still find myself with the urge to pray for Charlie, I can't help it. I can't stand the thought of losing any of my babies. I know the chances are pretty slim, and that most likely Charlie will be gone. And I know that will be for the best, but I will still be immensely sad.

And, in typical me fashion, my imagination has started to run wild. I have created several different scenarios that I have decided will play out at our u/s on Wednesday.

Scenario #1: Baby A and Baby B still look good, and so does Charlie. Charlie is doing so well in fact that s/he also decided to split and there are now 4.

Scenario #2: We have lost all 3.

Scenario #3: We find out the identicals are conjoined. (Yes, I know it is way too early to determine this. Its my crazy imagination, I can't control it I tell ya!)

And, because I know you are dying to see my beautiful babies, here they are!

Emotional Roller Coster

So here are the events of today.

L texts me around 2:40 asking me if I could call her. I responded and said I could in 20 minutes once school was out and should I be panicking. She said she didn’t know, was on her way to up to Dr. C’s to get checked out. So I go next door and ask my teammate to keep an eye on my kids and run outside and call L. She explained that she had some pink spotting yesterday but that it turned to red bleeding this afternoon. And rather than worry and stress until tomorrow’s scheduled appointment she was told to come on in and be seen. Thankfully I have the best teammates on the planet who stepped up and took care of my kids so I could rush to the appointment. I get there and a few moments later Dr. C comes in and we talked for a second, he said he wasn’t too concerned, but that we would just take a peek. As soon as he starts the ultrasound we see 2 sacs. L immediately says, “there’s 2!” But I couldn’t see any heart beats yet. Dr. C starts with the smaller sac, and for a second I thought I saw a HB, but wasn’t sure. He then decided to move to the bigger fact and get its measurements first. And then he says, “Well I’ll be!” and L responds with, “there’s 2!” So now, in my minds I am thinking, Two! But there are two sacs, so if there are also 2 in this one, that means THREE! Holy *@#%!
So now we know there are three babies, but don’t know anything about heartbeats. When he finds the first heartbeat, that’s when I pretty much lose it. And my poor mom, when I called she rushed out of her meeting to join me (Dave was out at the lake and couldn’t get back in time.)and she had walked into the u/s room right after I started bawling. So she walks in thinking we just found out bad news. Apparently Dr. C informed her they were good tears. Then the room gets a bit chaotic, lots of laughing, crying, questions, etc. Dr. C and his assistant were probably pretty annoyed with us, but oh well! Its not every day you go from thinking you have lost your baby to finding out there are three in there!

The set of identicals look great. We are currently at 7 weeks gestation exactly and Baby A is measuring 7 weeks 3 days with a HR of 129 and Baby B is measuring 7 weeks 2 days with a HR of 125. Baby C (the fraternal triplet, the one in its own sac) isn’t looking as good. That baby was measuring 6 weeks 2 days and we couldn’t tell if there was a heartbeat. At first Dr. C thought there was one, then he didn’t, then he did, then he thought it was just L’s internal pulse. He thinks the bleeding is from Baby C miscarrying. And that it shouldn’t affect the other babies at all.
This is where I have a mix of emotions. As a parent, you don’t want to lose any of your babies. But at the same time, it would be a relief to only have a set of twins and not triplets. The financial end of having 2 babies (and 1 toddler) is stressful enough, having 3 would be that much more. I am just going to leave it completely in God’s hands, and it will be what it will be.

We go in for a repeat ultrasound next Wednesday, and by then we should know what is happening with Baby C.

Today I have gone from being super low, expecting to hear the worst, then shooting up to a super emotional high, then up, then down. Man, I am exhausted!!