Sunday, February 26, 2012

365 Days

First, a disclaimer: In this post I mention several different people who offered to be our surrogate but for one very valid reason or another it just didn’t work out. I hold no hard feelings towards any of these people and I never had. This post is not meant to call those people out or anything like that, I just want to try and document every single step of this journey, and this is a very important part of it.

One year ago today I got the email from our first surro telling us she just couldn’t do it.

*Well, technically she was our second, my sister was our first, but she was the first one we had actually started moving forward with. With my sister it was all just talk, but we never made it beyond that. With J, Dave and I had our first consult with Dr. C, J met with her doc and had a phone consult with Dr. C, Dave went and gave his sample, we were actually moving forward.

I remember that day so vividly as if it had happened yesterday. We were at my grandmother’s house cleaning it out when J texted me and told me I needed to check my email. I knew she had started having some concerns and had been doing some serious thinking, praying, and discussing with her family and doctor. So when she told me to check my email I knew what it was, and I already knew it was going to be bad news. I had been trying to prepare myself for it, but I don’t think I did a very good job. I was back in grandmother’s bedroom and I sat on her bed to read the email when my mom walked in followed shortly by my sister. We all just sat there in silence for a few minutes before I broke down. At that exact moment I felt like that was it, we were at the end of the road, I was never going to get my baby. My mom and sister tried to be so optimistic for me, Jennifer even offering her services again. Dave wasn’t there that day, so then I had to call him and tell him, which caused me to break down again.

I wasn’t angry or upset with J at all. I totally understood. Her reasons made so much sense. Even her doctor couldn’t support her decision to do this. And I don’t know if Dave and I would have been comfortable going with J had decided to do it. But it still hurt to lose her. It wasn’t so much the fact that we were losing a surrogate, it was losing HER, losing J, which sucked. She was who we wanted, I had grown so attached to the idea of her being our surro I had to mourn the loss of her as if we had just lost a baby. I am sure I was a pretty unpleasant person to be around for a few weeks.

After losing J we had a few other people that came forward and offered. One of which we got very close to starting to move forward again with when we lost her. I was ready to give up. The roller coaster ride was almost too much to handle sometimes. We even started the process of becoming foster parent (of course, we were denied because we both work outside the home.) I started doing some research into adoption agencies, but I could never make myself do more than request info online, I couldn’t ever make a phone call to any of the agencies. I knew that starting the adoption process would mean the end of my surrogacy dream, and I just wasn’t quite ready to let the dream go. I wasn’t sure how we were going to make that dream come true, but I still wasn’t ready for it to end. Dave kept saying we needed to call Dr. C and see if he knew anyone, but I kept poo-pooing that idea. Thankfully he didn’t listen to me and called Dr. C and that’s how we found the wonderful Gayla who then put us in contact with our amazing L.

Looking back on everything that has happened and now I get it, I see why these things happened. J has had all kinds of changes happen in her life in the past year that would have made things even more complex and difficult if she were pregnant with our twins right now. And I see His reasons for not letting it work out with several of the other women as well. L was the person meant for this job. She has been the perfect person for it. She is the best baby cooker. I can’t imagine anyone doing a better job than she is. I can’t imagine any other person carrying our boys for us.

I look at how low I was one year ago. Look at how close I was to giving up (thank you Dave for not letting me!) Now look at where we are. Look how far we have come. Look at those 2 sweet boys growing away in the perfect womb. From the struggle to find our perfect surrogate to the roller coaster of getting some eggs from me and getting her knocked up. And let’s not forget the emotion filled day where L calls and says she is bleeding so we rush in thinking we were losing the pregnancy only to find triplets. It has been quite a journey and in just 10 or so more weeks this journey will come to a very happy end. I can’t believe how close we are!

To J- I want you to know how very much I love you. I am honored that you would have even considered being our surrogate. I know you wanted it as much as I did. I know it was a heartbreaking decision that you had to make. I never, ever, ever felt any negative feelings toward you at all. I will always think of you with very fond memories and I can’t wait for my boys to meet you!

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